an idiot in london


Saturday, 11th November.
Mutant alligators

Had a look at James' place in Fulham, and it looks like a winner. There's a dishwasher, need I say any more.

But I decided to have a look at the other places I had lined up anyway. I arrived at Pellant Rd, Fulham, precisely on time. Worrying, isn't it, all this punctuality? As soon as I entered their little dog wanted to make friends with me, or at least my leg. The feeling wasn't reciprocated.

The incumbents at Pellant Rd were a little underdone. They had only just finished tidying up, one of them was still in the shower, and they hadn't eaten breakfast yet. They had prepared a list of questions for each of the interviewees, but had left it at work. So they had to ad lib.

"Uhh, what kind of music do you like?" one of them asked. He was promptly bagged senseless by his flatmates. "Hey it's the only question I could think of!" he protested.

Not holding my breath on that one.

Then out to Camden Town to have a look at a place there. Hmm, I feel a song coming on...

Oh yeah the pirate radio told us what was going down
Got the tickets from some messed up bloke in Camden Town
And no one seems to know exactly where it is
But that's okay, cos we're all sorted out for E's and Wizz

Saturday afternoon in Camden is manic, even on a dreary London afternoon. As I battled through the market crowds, A-Z in hand, a bloke jumped out and yelled at me. "WHA!!" I was startled and confused. Just like being in Spain.

I found the place, in fact arrived there precisely on time again. What a worrying trend. A bloke called Paulo answered the door and showed me around the flat. It wasn't the greatest, but it was cheap. Then I had the panel interview.

I made one of my little jokes, which didn't even rate a smile. Hmm, tough crowd. Or stupid crowd. I was leaning towards the latter. Marilyn handled proceedings, and asked me three questions that they asked everyone.

1. Well I actually can't remember what 1 was. Maybe they asked me what I do for a living. Hmm.
2. Do I smoke? Hell no. I don't think this is going well.
3. Do I drink? Not really. Right, well I think I've blown it!

After that ridiculopathy I made some really funny joke about people who aren't actually looking for somewhere to live but go around pretending to, just for a laugh. Nobody thought that was even remotely amusing. Oh lighten up you miserable sods. Hope you find a mentally unstable drug addict who gives the impression of being a really together guy. Yeah sure you'll ring back, as if you will!

Back out into the rain, and back to the dentist surgery. Rob and Jonah were home, watching a bit of telly. They'd only been up and about for a few hours, they had a Large Friday Night. Thunderbirds came on, and we were glued to the set.

Plot summary: whole lotta puppets living in a swamp, some scientist developed an amazing solution that does weird shit. Evil guy sneaks into laboratory and spills it or something, I wasn't paying attention. So much for being glued to the set. Solution gets washed down plughole and into the swamp. Alligators swimming in the swamp get affected by the chemicals, and MUTATE!!! Naturally the alligators go mad and start attacking the puppets in the house at the edge of the swamp. (Why did they build such a nice house in a swamp? Makes no sense.) A puppet calls International Rescue, and they scramble to fight the mutant alligators, which by now are trying to knock down the house. Then comes a classic line:
"Hey professor, relax."
"Relax? How can I relax with three mutant alligators outside?"