an idiot in london


Thursday, 25th May.

Today I'm turning the website over to My Fans, the people out there that care, the punters that visit the site week in, week out.

I sent an email to everyone subscribed to the ian-list (translation: the poor sods who have emailed me - by mistake or otherwise - and haven't actually said that they don't want to receive email from me) that went as follows:

Some questions:
1) Why are all the other people featured on planetian getting fanmail but not me? Come on people, it's MY website!
2) Who told the English that detachable shower nozzles would be a good idea?
3) Where can I buy some Cascade raspberry fruit juice syrup? - we've got questions, some answers would be nice.
PS: Carna Blues
PPS: email me!
PPPS: still no celebrities spotted, where are they all?
PPPPS: carna Blues!

And the responses:

Well Ian, I think you've painted the Tube much blacker than it really is. The trick with the washing thing is to not wash yourself and then you won't notice as much. You know, "when in Rome...".
I suppose you're up with footy news. All us Tigers are back on the band wagon and loving it. THIRD ON THE LADDER AND CLIMBING!!!!
Boy, it's been a while since I could type that in uppercase and know it to be true.

Ian's note: I only wanted everyone to see this bloke's delusion at Richmond climbing the ladder! Two spots above them, and as if the Tiges could knock off the Blues and the team from Ascot Vale on current form! (Did I say Ascot Vale? I meant Windy Hill)
Next email please!

3.) you can get the syrup from Tasmania
2.) What's wrong with detachable shower heads anyway? It appears that your the one with the problem not the English.
1.) Don't be so selfish! Just because it's your website doesn't, "ipso Facto", give you priority for fan mail.

Ian's note: I know you can get the syrup from Tasmania. I may be an idiot but I'm not stupid! Next!

i'm still here for ya man.
trying to be as good looking as you.
you know what they say, "You can paint like Picasso, but you'll never be him."

Ian's note: Now this is the kind of email I like, flattering yet completely insincere. Next!

Some answers:
1) not sure.
2) some dirty person - detachable nozzles just don't work, not enough pressure to get into those important crevices that need cleaning.
3) at Torquay - Coles New World, saw it on the weekend.
PS. Told you the Pies were in trouble.
PPS: I'll email again soon
PPPS: I saw Steve Bracks at a cafe the other day, does that count as celebrity spotting?
PPPPS. No really, the Pies are in trouble. Sav Rocca is in the reserves this weekend, do you believe it?

Ian's note: Crevices?? Crikey! (And Sav Rocca deserves the reserves.) Mum: don't read the next one, it's rude...

Dude! word about town is that Liz Hurley is now on the market. You should cozy up to her at some trendy yuppie f*** stick bar and slather her with that golden tongued Tassie charm. Get that and YOU my friend will be the worlds most envied Boy-Toy since Carlos Leon put a bun in the Mad-donna's tum-tum. Ian and Liz?!?!? Won't the boys back home have slack jaws for a week. It'll be worth it even if she does make you wear slippers and change your name by deed poll to 'CoCo'. To pick her up I recommend the following lines:
1)'I don't find yo the least bit attractive, but I'm drunk and you're here. It must be fate'
2)'You would never catch me getting head in a BMW from some skanky Ho' off Hollywood and vine whose only life ambition was to straighten her teeth and stock the freezer full of Hungry Man meals. Hell no baby you can trust me. I only drive Ferraris!'
3)'I am Tasmanian. And as we say down Hobart way, Pass me up now baby and its Penguin penis for the rest of your life.'
4) Some people rate you as the perfect 10. I never had a 10 before....I f****d two 5's once...'

Ian's note: Blimey, some strong language there, my eyes are hurting from reading that sexually explicit prose. And I would like to add that I have never had a relationship with a five. Quite a few fours, and a three-and-a-half. Can we have a clean message please?

I had a dream last night that you came back to work here!!!
I came in and you were fixing my computer???
Very strange.

Ian's note: Damn right that's strange! I never fixed your computer when I was actually working there!

So there you have it. My readers dream about me, try to set me up with celebrities, keep me updated on the fortunes of the Very Talented Rocca Brothers, and fawn over my outrageous good looks. Visit again soon for adventures from...another country!