an idiot in london


Friday, 17th March

I was told that Chris had started drinking at 11am. By the time I arrived shortly before 9pm, he was well plastered. (I won't disgust you with the shared chewing gum incident, which took place soon after I arrived. Some tarty English girl insisted on giving the chewing gum to me, and so far I can say that Australian girls kiss better than English girls.)

A change of venue was needed, so we went to a joint called Namco, which I'm sure is a brand of biscuit. We swanned in, and passed through a small amusement arcade to get to the bar. There were two blokes playing that disco dancing game - what is the point?

Imagine my delight when I discover a mini bowling alley inside! Once everybody had downed a beer, we got a bit of bowling action happening. We spread ourselves over two lanes, two quid per player per game. The lanes were about one-half length. The heaviest ball was 10lb. There were monitors over each lane showing the score and lame animations when a strike or spare was scored. As I approached the lane, I watched the pins get reset. Instead of being clamped and lifted up, or dropped in from above, they righted themselves in a most eerie manner. All these pins flailing around, it was like Riverdance for tenpins. (turns out each pin has a cord attached to it to stand the pin on end)

After the initial shock of having no run up, bowling wearing street shoes instead of hired clown shoes, and freaking out at the phantom dancing pins, I settled down to the task of destroying the opposition with a menacing display of accurate power bowling. But the real entertainment was happening in the lane next to us.

To say that Chris was drunk was like saying that Stuart Littlemore is smug. He started his bowling display with a few bowls landing three-quarters of the way down the lane. I commented that the lanes appeared to be drunk-proof (little pun there for the intellectual pisspots out there). I was about to find out just how drunk-proof they were. Chris and a mate then bowled two balls at the same time. After a few more frames, Chris had had enough of the confinements of using a bowling ball. He ran down the lane, slid from a couple of metres out, and kicked down all the pins. One of the girls had taken her boots off (girls wearing those boots dance the same everywhere) and for the next frame, Chris hurled them at the pins (neither made the distance). He later hurled the ball at the guard that comes down while the pins are being replaced. Despite this onslaught, the bowling system continued to run quite nicely. After the game had finished, Chris picked up a bowling ball and hurled it down the lane. Well, he would have except he completely misjudged the release and the ball crashed into the side of one of the monitors mounted over the lanes. We scarpered before security asked us to leave.

PS: Chris is a Pommy mate of a friend of mine...long story not half as interesting as his bowling exploits.