Monday, 25th June 2001.
Here to help
I often receive pleas for help from visitors to planetian.com. And it's always
my great pleasure to help these poor unfortunates.
So, when I checked my email today, I wasn't surprised to find another call from the
depths of despair from a young lady called Karyn. I read this email with tears
welling in my eyes, and my heart went out to this young Melburnian. I thought to
myself (and anyone else in the nearby vicinity), I am
but one man, how can I help Karyn? As the saltwater dripped from my cheeks onto my
keyboard, I thought: I know, I'll enlist the help of the dedicated readers of
How can I help? I hear you ask. Well, have a read of Karyn's email first:
Ian you are a complete wank. You need to get a life and grow some bollocks.
You are also very lonely by the looks of it, would you like a friend. Are
I detect three cries for help in the one email here.
1 - Grammar and punctuation. But this isn't the biggest problem.
2 - Desire to receive copious amounts of email. Why else would she send an email
to someone she doesn't know? She could've just done the sensible thing and simply
never returned to planetian.com. No, she wants to open a dialogue with someone,
anyone. "You are also very lonely by the looks of it..." - she's hoping to find a
kindred spirit. "...would you like a friend" - a more explicit cry for
companionship you will never find.
3 - Rampant homophobia. Leave the homophobia to us Tasmanians sweetheart.
(She could also be a Collingwood supporter, but I can't be sure of that.)
Now, gentle readers, I can sense your collective desire to help. The grammar
and punctuation we can let slide, because we can all make syntax and spelling errors
when we're upset or in an emotional state. The homophobia: we can either engage in
a programme of education, or sign her up for electro-shock therapy. But I think that
that extends beyond the remit of planetian.com.
Desire to receive copious amounts of email. I'm sure we can help her out
But remember, she's in a delicate state. Don't put everything in the first email.
Don't overwhelm her. Coax her out of her shell slowly. She's a shy little petal,
who needs to be handled with care.
I thank you all for your help, and I'm sure that Karyn will thank you all as well,
in her own inimitable fashion. If one, just one person takes the time to email
Karyn, then perhaps we can make a difference.
(PS: Carlton - YEEEEEEES!)