an idiot in london


Tuesday, 13th June.

For the last month or so I've been enduring a house full of studying medical students. Ordinarily they'd be drinking, pissfarting about, doing all the regular student stuff. But they've had some monumental exam to prepare for, which is so important that it's been brown undies for the lads.

So today was the first of three exams, at the end of which they all resume being Normal Medical Students. Last night I told Jules that I'd cook them dinner tonight. So imagine my surprise when I came home to an empty house, and couldn't get in contact with any of the bastards.

Well, the mince needed eating, so I prepared the lasagne anyway. I spent the evening preparing food, eating food, and answering the phone flat out. One call was for me, and all the other calls were for them wondering how they're sodding exam had gone. Forget the exam, how's the delicious lasagne their Top Notch Australian Flatmate was cooking them? (unbelievably good, is the answer.)

One of the calls went something like this:

Hi, is Si there?
No, sorry he's not.
I've no idea where he is.
Do you know when he's likely to be back?
No, the house was empty when I got home tonight. So I've cooked them all tea and they're not here to eat it.
Oh you poor thing. Do you want to unburden?
Uh, no, I don't think so. I've just got a lot of lasagne to eat.
(laughing) Right
Who is this?
It's Si's sister.
Didn't I meet you the other day?
No, I don't think so.
You mean Si has more than one sister?
So who did I meet the other day?
Was it Kaz?
Well I guess, unless Si has three sisters. What's your name?
He's never mentioned you before.
Is he ashamed of you?
It's not that. It's that I'm much more...talented than him.
I think so.
It's a jealousy thing?
Absolutely. He doesn't like people to know that I exist.
Are you older or younger?
Right. So do you live locally?
No, I live in Colchester.
Where's that?!?
In Essex!
You said that like I should know where Colchester is!
Haven't you heard of Colchester?
Probably. It's just that Colchester isn't exactly high on my list of places to see. It's not one of the places that everyone talks about. "Have you been to Colchester yet?" I've never been asked that question.
You've got to get out of London a bit!
I've been to Wales!
That's out of London, yes, but it's Wales!
OK then, so pardon my ignorance, but what's in Colchester?
Well, me.
Apart from you.
Um, there's a castle.
Oh yeah, is it a good castle?
No, it's crap.
Anything else?
There's a hospital.
Gee, great.
Where I work. And there's a Tesco's!
And lots of traffic roundabouts, if that's what you're into.
I've heard that Coventry has lots of roundabouts too.
You could go on a roundabout tour.
I could.
And there are some shitty clubs in Colchester.
So basically, the selling points of Colchester are that there's a Tesco's, and a few top-class roundabouts.
That's about it.
And you.
And me.
I'm sure there are some redeeming features of Colchester.
Well you're the one living there!
I am.
So you're putting up with the medical students?
It's a pleasure for them to live with a Top Flatmate like me.
I'm sure. How long have you been there?
Over two months. I'm amazed you haven't heard about me.
Oh yes, so am I.
Well, we could go on talking, but the oven is beeping, meaning that I have to go and have a look at the lasagne.
Yes, and the battery on my mobile is sure to run out soon.
So do you want to leave a message for Si? Something like "your talented sister Jane called"?
That'd be smashing.
Brilliant! Bye!